Beer pong with a side of meningitis.

Posted on September 29, 2011


I have a confession to make. I’m sick. Not sick in a perverted way, nor in a “thats soooo rad, brah” kind of way. Unfortunately, I am actually physically ill. For those of you who are in college, have graduated college or even managed not to fail out until Spring of your freshman year, you probably know how I feel. Being sick, while in college, SUCKS. As a kid, getting sick meant you got to stay home and watch Disney movies with your dog and nineteen bowls of Lucky Charms. As an adult, I’ll get to use it as an excuse to call off work. But for now? Its totally fucking impeding on my tumultuous college lifestyle.

You’ve got a lot going for you!  A light case of Bird Flu can’t bring YOU down!

Granted, I have it worse than most. For some reason, I was blessed with a horribly underproductive immune system, and every common cold I get becomes bronchitis. No amount of Airborne, Vitamin C, ThermaFlu, Zicam or NyQuil will ever be able to save me. I am perpetually fucked every time the thermostat falls below 70ºF. This includes nights when my roommate decides that crisper temperatures would “better compliment” our autumn-scented candles, and turns the air conditioner down as low as it will allow her.

Rule no. 1 of beating an illness:  Get some freaking sleep, and look like a princess while doing it.

But back to the point – being sick in college is miserable. And not just because you feel like absolute shit. There is no formal code of etiquette for dealing with illness in a college town. We all know the basics – don’t cough in people’s faces, don’t sneeze all over your hands before grabbing that doorknob and, just in general, stay the hell away from civilization. But what happens when you’re forced to get your achy, cough-y, mucus-y ass out of bed to go to class because your douche bag professor takes attendance? As if being stuffed like human sardines into an under-sized lecture hall for 50 minutes isn’t uncomfortable enough, you get to be that kid, the one who coughs/sneezes/blows their nose for the entire lecture. Everyone in class resenting and judging you, and the people on either side of you are hating your fucking guts from the edges of their seats. You have officially become the diseased elephant in the room – everyone knows you’re there, but they’ll avoid you like the goddamn plague.

Its bad enough to be THAT girl …..don’t be THAT girl spreading the plague to all her peers.

And that’s not even the worst of it. Illness impedes on every college student’s favorite pastime: drinking. Okay, so you survived class all week, but now it’s the weekend and you want to get hammered, god dammit! News flash: no one wants you at their party, at the bar or even in their bed, for that matter. I don’t care how fun or attractive you think you are. No one thinks you’re cute when you’re scavenging the basement of a pub for napkins to blow your nose between beers. But screw them all! You’ve decided to go out anyways. You’re probably even considering throwing on something extra slutty in an attempt to draw attention away from your sickly ways. Spare your dignity ladies, because this does not work. That cute boy you’re chatting up by the pool table? All he sees is Rudolphine the Red-Nosed Drunk Bitch coughing into his whiskey sour. You may have a great ass, but not so great that he’d share in your misery just to tap it.

Yes, I know. Staying at home sucks. Trust me, I’ve been doing it for a week (well, kind of – but that’s beside the point). For now, just take my advice and give your poor, sickly self a break. Your body – and everyone in your classes or at that kegger down the street – will thank you. There’s always next weekend, folks.

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