Are we there yet?

Posted on November 26, 2011


“What are you reading,” Anna asks me, “The Idiot’s Guide to Being an Idiot?”

Nope. It’s a national best-selling collection of short stories that’s supposed to be hilarious. So far, it’s not. I just got it this morning, somewhere between buying a neck pillow and making it downtown to board the MegaBus. Somewhat disappointing purchases for Black Friday.

I put down the short stories and open my MacBook.

“What are you writing about, being an idiot?” Anna peers over my keyboard. We’re somewhere between Columbus and Chicago, sprawled out across the back row of the bus. It took me all of two minutes after boarding to realize I’d forgotten my laptop case at home and my sleep mask in my backpack down below.

Yes, I wear a sleep mask. It’s pink and fuzzy.

We stop in Indianapolis and the bus fills to capacity, forcing us to put our shit away and sandwich ourselves between the window and a man who reeks of cigarettes. Ah, the joys of public transportation.

Anna is reading the Golden Compass on the Kindle she bought this morning, babbling about how no one will want to steal it because the case is pink.  (Or, more likely, because the only book loaded onto it is the Golden Compass).  I employed a similar theory when I pasted a portrait of Edward Cullen onto the back of my Blackberry during my freshman year of college. No one would steal this! I thought to myself, secretly thrilled at my new display of Team Edward loyalty. And I was right, but only for a while. It disappeared a few months later off the counter of Big Mamma’s burritos amid the drunken stupor of my 19th birthday celebration.

I’m sorry, Edward. I really did like you.

The thing about Anna is she rarely ever actually gets anything stolen. She likes to leave expensive or otherwise valuable items in very public places and then claim they were “stolen” when they disappear. Digital cameras, fake I.D.s, clothing items and just about anything else you would expect to be taken from a bar, Anna has left in a bar. The last time we went to Costa Rica she lost her drivers license, wallet and money somewhere between the entrance of a pub and the table where we sat down…on the first night of our trip. She then proceeded to have three cameras (ahem) “stolen” by the time she returned to Ohio.

The Kindle will be gone in a week.

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